I was talking with a friend one day about a past relationship she had had that kept coming up for her. It was weighing on her very heavily and she just couldn’t seem to let it go or get past it. She stopped dating altogether and blamed herself for the breakup and how it ended and no matter what she did, she couldn’t seem to move forward. I told her it seemed that she had some unresolved feelings that she needed to look at and work through so she could heal. Her response was that she didn’t know how or even where to start. That was the catalyst for me to put this out for anyone who might be suffering and have no idea where to start or how to consciously approach resolving and healing and growing from painful experiences and memories that won’t heal themselves. They say time heals all wounds. I disagree. It takes doing the work, facing yourself in the mirror, looking for the lessons and getting to a place of forgiveness, both for yourself and others.
When we have feelings that we haven’t resolved or taken the time to really dig deep and look at them and heal what comes up, they can come out in other ways; or they can hold us back in moving forward in our lives. They can impact how we view ourselves and others and how we relate in our world; and can even have an impact on our physical well-being (mind/body/spirit connection). It takes courage, strength and dedicating time and energy to leaning in and facing yourself, and the memories that might be painful, to get to the other side; but I promise you, if you are willing to surrender to this process, it will free you and raise you up to feeling lighter and happier than you can ever even imagine.
This guide is meant to be a tool to lead you through this process; however, it might not work for you to do it exactly in this order. Do what works for you, as it comes up. Listen to your heart and be open to following where it leads. There is no right or wrong, you can’t mess this up. Do what works for you and add to it if you are so called.
1. Find your quiet place, somewhere that you can be alone, without interruption, that feels safe and comfortable and speaks to your soul. If it helps, feel free to play music, light a candle or sit by a fire. Include water or nature if it helps you to feel at ease.
2. Start with prayer or meditation or sitting in stillness to get in tune with your spirit (whatever works for you). Take as long as you need. Get comfortable being in the silence and be open to any thoughts that are starting to come up. Let any emotions flow as they come. Don’t fight it or hold it back. You are alone and you are safe. Remember that to get to the other side, you have to go through, so you WILL have emotions that need to be released. Let them flow. They won’t consume you and you won’t lose control. Feelings are normal and once you let them flow, you will feel free. Don’t worry about controlling them. Be open. Surrender to the process.
3. Ask for guidance or set the intention to move through the process and to get to a place of healing (or whatever resonates for you to ask for).
4. Free Flow and Record what comes up. If you like to journal, this is where you let it flow freely and write whatever thoughts or feelings come up. Don’t try to overthink it or make it be perfect. Just be open, FEEL IT!! Don’t second guess it or try to control it. As it comes, record it, even if it isn’t making total sense. If you do not like to write, it can be very helpful to make a video (you can use your phone for this). For verbal processors, this can be powerful as you talk it out while recording. It is easy to just keep talking without thinking and when you play it back later, you will learn some very important things that you didn’t realize as you were just venting or talking. This becomes a very helpful tool for you to use later, whether written or oral. Choose which works best for you in the moment.
5. Spend time on your thoughts that you recorded. Is there another way you can look at them? Are any of them involving assumptions versus facts that you can revisit? How might you change them? Can you find empathy for yourself and the other person(s) involved? Spend some time here and be completely honest with yourself. No one else is here to judge you. Try not to judge yourself or others and come from a place of curiosity. (If you need assistance with this, coaching can help to look at this and any beliefs that might be behind your thoughts.)
6. Look for the lesson. Once you have felt all the feelings that come up and have written or recorded all the thoughts, look for the lesson you can learn from the situation that happened. What can you learn from these situations/people involved? Is there a theme or pattern that speaks to you? Be open. NO JUDGMENT! Own whatever it is. Be curious. If everything happened for a reason, what is your takeaway from this event? (If you need assistance with this, coaching can help.)
7. Let it go. Ask yourself how you might let this go. Can you forgive? If not, it is ok. It might take more time and more deep dives to get to the root. Healing happens in layers. Coaching can help you to look at your thoughts and feelings and push deeper into the beliefs behind them and help you get to the core issues if that is needed. You can do this process as many times as you need to in order to get to a resolution and to be ready to let it go. At this point, you should feel lighter and in a better place since you released the power of it with all of the thoughts and feelings you released.
8. What changes can you make to go forward with this new knowledge you uncovered? Reframe your thoughts and try to find the good or the gift in it.
9. Gratitude. Once we work through the feelings and get to the other side, having learned valuable lessons about ourselves, we can get to a place of gratitude. Focus on what you are grateful for at this time. Write them down or record them on your video or however works for you.
10. Peace. At this point, you may feel a sense of peace. Sit in it and take some calming, deep breaths, and let yourself just be.
11. Joy. A higher place of joy is on the other side of this, along with a higher level of consciousness (awareness) about yourself, others, and the world around you. If you need help getting here, coaching can help. It takes practice to learn to listen to your inner voice and to obtain self‑awareness, especially if you are used to constantly going or moving to avoid your feelings. Give yourself some grace, allow yourself to be a beginner and celebrate that you intentionally chose to go through this process, which is a true gift of self-love. Feel free to go through this process as often or as many times as needed to heal everything that needs to come up. If you need help with some thought provoking and empowering questions, coaching can help with this as well. You have all of the answers inside of you.
Take care of yourself. If you get stuck or if it brings up past trauma, you might need to contact a licensed therapist or a certified life coach, depending on the situation. Recognize what you need and advocate for yourself to get it.
